I’ll say this for The Graveyard – it knows what you’re there for. It knows you want dudebros and criminally dumb chicks having sex and then getting slaughtered, and it loses no time in giving it to you. Other, lesser movies may spend valuable screen time screwing around with piddly things like plot, character development, dialogue not written by drunken chimpanzees, suspense as to who the killer is, and realistic portrayal of the passage of time; but not The Graveyard. It even goes so far as to introduce random characters for thirty seconds for no other reason than to kill them off.
In the setup, Dudebros 1-4 and Dumb Chicks 1-4 (this is an estimate; I couldn’t keep them straight to count them) go to a graveyard to play hide and seek. No, they’re adults at this point. Dudebro #4, being It, goes to look for the others and is suddenly! chased by a knife-wielding man in a mask! This causes him to trip and land on a rusty gate, impaling himself.
A few years later – after Dudebro #2, who took the rap, has gotten out of prison – they all meet back at a convenient sleepaway camp by the graveyard for “closure.” And, well, things proceed from there, without a single unpredictable moment – and, sadly, not much in the way of imaginative or entertaining kills.
Well, toward the end of the movie the killer actually utters the words “I’ll take my revenge!” And not once, no. That would be insufficient for a movie of this caliber. He says it no less than four times. In a row. Then there are a couple of “Oh look! The killer’s not dead!” scares foiled only by the fact that the killer was painfully obviously not actually dead to begin with.
The end holds great promise that everyone involved will die, though. And since the whole idea behind movies like this is seeing extraordinarily unlikeable people get theirs, I guess that’s something.
So what’s the verdict? On one hand, I kind of want to give this movie one star because Dudebro #2 was vaguely hot in that horrifying Dudebro way. On the other hand, “one guy was sort of hot if you ignored his entire personality” is not really a point in a movie’s favor, and God knows this one didn’t have any others. On the third hand, I feel like the 0-star rating should be reserved for movies so offensively awful that their mere existence makes me despair of the human race, and The Graveyard isn’t that bad. It’s just, I don’t know, the movie equivalent of those awful orange and black toffee Halloween candies. So one star it is, I guess.