Haunting of Winchester House (2009)

Posted: December 5, 2011 in 1 star, Haunting of Winchester House, Reviews
Tags: , ,

I spent a lot of time looking at this movie in genuine bewilderment and saying, out loud, “Are you serious right now?”  I never got an answer.  I suspect the answer was no.  That suspicion is in fact the only thing saving this movie from the coveted zero-star rating; that and the conviction that everyone involved in the movie had a lot more fun making it than I had watching it. In fact, I was left with many more questions than answers.  Deep, philosophical questions such as:

  • Why does Ghostbuster Dude recite all his lines as if he were being badly dubbed over a kung fu movie from 1978?
  • Wait.  Why does that ghost know what they’re looking for?
  • Is that supposed to be a puppet?  An alien puppet?
  • Does Tuberculosis Guy think that boxes become different boxes if you turn them sideways?
  • What does any of this have to do with people who were killed by Winchester rifles?
  • Why are there teenagers in roles that appear to be written for six-year-olds?
  • Does that woman seriously think a cop with a knife through her throat is going to answer questions about where her kid is?
  • This looks like someone thinks it’s going to be a twist.  Is it supposed to be a twist?
  • Okay, I got the “twist.”  Can you stop explaining it to me now, please?
  • How is that greenscreen so bad?  This movie has the worst effects I have seen in I don’t know how long.
  • What is that woman even doing right now?  What are they supposed to do, wander around there forever?
  • And finally but most pertinently: what in blue hell were the filmmakers trying to do with this?

I fear none of these questions will ever be answered.  That’s okay.  I’m not all that interested in the answers, to tell the truth.

So what’s the verdict?  One star, but I honestly feel a little bad about it.  The goofiness level in this movie is so high that I can’t imagine anyone involved with it took it seriously.  It didn’t even insult my intelligence; it just sort of… refused to engage with my intelligence. It’s like this movie exists in a happy little world where intelligence does not exist, nor things like coherent plots and well-done CGI, and the worst thing ghosts ever do is wander around in bad rubber masks going “RARR!” half-heartedly at you from across the room.  I feel sort of bad for introducing criticism into that good-natured, inoffensive place.

On the other hand, this is a really damn terrible movie.  If you’re in the mood for something like this, dig up that old Disney movie, Child of Glass.  I loved that shit when I was a kid.

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