I spent a lot of time looking at this movie in genuine bewilderment and saying, out loud, “Are you serious right now?” I never got an answer. I suspect the answer was no. That suspicion is in fact the only thing saving this movie from the coveted zero-star rating; that and the conviction that everyone involved in the movie had a lot more fun making it than I had watching it. In fact, I was left with many more questions than answers. Deep, philosophical questions such as:
- Why does Ghostbuster Dude recite all his lines as if he were being badly dubbed over a kung fu movie from 1978?
- Wait. Why does that ghost know what they’re looking for?
- Is that supposed to be a puppet? An alien puppet?
- Does Tuberculosis Guy think that boxes become different boxes if you turn them sideways?
- What does any of this have to do with people who were killed by Winchester rifles?
- Why are there teenagers in roles that appear to be written for six-year-olds?
- Does that woman seriously think a cop with a knife through her throat is going to answer questions about where her kid is?
- This looks like someone thinks it’s going to be a twist. Is it supposed to be a twist?
- Okay, I got the “twist.” Can you stop explaining it to me now, please?
- How is that greenscreen so bad? This movie has the worst effects I have seen in I don’t know how long.
- What is that woman even doing right now? What are they supposed to do, wander around there forever?
- And finally but most pertinently: what in blue hell were the filmmakers trying to do with this?
I fear none of these questions will ever be answered. That’s okay. I’m not all that interested in the answers, to tell the truth.
So what’s the verdict? One star, but I honestly feel a little bad about it. The goofiness level in this movie is so high that I can’t imagine anyone involved with it took it seriously. It didn’t even insult my intelligence; it just sort of… refused to engage with my intelligence. It’s like this movie exists in a happy little world where intelligence does not exist, nor things like coherent plots and well-done CGI, and the worst thing ghosts ever do is wander around in bad rubber masks going “RARR!” half-heartedly at you from across the room. I feel sort of bad for introducing criticism into that good-natured, inoffensive place.
On the other hand, this is a really damn terrible movie. If you’re in the mood for something like this, dig up that old Disney movie, Child of Glass. I loved that shit when I was a kid.