- – T-shirt that belongs on someone twenty years younger and two cup sizes bigger (1)
- – Doritos (1 bigass bag)
- – DVDs (3)
- – And also, flash drive (1).
I couldn’t help the DVDs. They were five bucks. Five bucks for four horror movies, each cheesier than the last. I got one with a vampire theme and one with a Generic Trashy Horror theme. (And Stargate. I’ve had a crush on James Spader since 1986.) Bloody Mary (2006) was third up on the Generic Trashy Horror compilation, and my expectations were not high.
However, like everyone who has ever been a 12-year-old girl, I have a soft spot for the Bloody Mary legend, so I was prepared to be generous. And my generosity was rewarded: Bloody Mary is a fun, goofy movie that may not have much in the way of real scares, and doesn’t actually make much sense, but nonetheless is hoisted up into so-bad-it’s-good territory by decent acting and sheer eye-gouging ebullience.
Granted, it doesn’t exactly start out on a high note. A group of sorority girls psychiatric nurses are gathered around a tunnel shaft to bully one of their members into taking off her clothes (yes, there was gratuitous nudity in the first thirty seconds of the film) and going down through the tunnels into a room that looks like a midlevel puzzle in a Silent Hill knockoff. The room contains a mirror, which Hapless Naked Chick must stand in front of and say “I believe in Bloody Mary” until gore ensues. It turns out the head sorority girl (Danni Ravden, the poor woman’s Sara Michelle Gellar) is crazier than a shithouse rat and has appointed herself High Priestess of the Bloody Mary Cult, keeping Mary fed in the time-honored tradition of Renfield and Creepy Conductor Guy from Midnight Meat Train.
Soon, Hapless Naked Chick’s sister (Kim Tyler, who is the poor woman’s somebody, I just can’t figure out who) comes to town to find her. She attempts to enlist the aid of Asshole Cop Ex (Matthew Borlenghi), succeeds in enlisting the aid of Strangely Hot Psychiatrist (Jaason Simmons, the poor man’s Liev Schreiber), and wanders around the asylum until it becomes clear that the place could host a yearly conference for serial killers complete with vendor rooms and invited addresses and security is so lax that no one would ever know.
Through various expository speeches, we learn that Bloody Mary was actually a patient at the hospital back in the 70s who was obsessed with her reflection. Eventually she escaped into the tunnels and starved to death, only to return in vengeful-ghost form and hang out with the random creepy prisoner whose purpose is never actually made clear (Paul Hassett), when she’s not killing people and then meticulously cleaning up after herself so there’s not a drop of blood left. (Usually. When she kills Guy Randomly Painting Naked [Jason Benson], she leaves behind a big bloody chunk of mirror that Asshole Cop Ex walks right by without even noticing.)
Her Reign of Terror and Eyeball-Gouging is brought to an end when the sister, hauled down into the tunnels by the Head Sorority Chick, smashes her mirror. Which was already broken. I don’t know, now it’s the special broken or something. I would feel bad about giving away the ending, but honestly, it’s not like you didn’t see it coming.
So what’s the verdict? Two stars. It’s an entertaining watch with better-than-expected performances. Just don’t expect it to make much sense, or contain any surprises whatsoever, or be scary. It’s a ridiculous movie about dead mental patients ripping out people’s eyes, and goddamn if it doesn’t fly that flag with pride.