Bloody Mary (2006)

Posted: June 11, 2010 in 2 stars, Bloody Mary, Reviews
Tags: ,

I should just stay away from Target.  I ran over to replace my flash drive and came home with:

  • – T-shirt that belongs on someone twenty years younger and two cup sizes bigger (1)
  • – Doritos (1 bigass bag)
  • – DVDs (3)
  • – And also, flash drive (1).

I couldn’t help the DVDs.  They were five bucks.  Five bucks for four horror movies, each cheesier than the last.  I got one with a vampire theme and one with a Generic Trashy Horror theme.  (And Stargate.  I’ve had a crush on James Spader since 1986.)   Bloody Mary (2006) was third up on the Generic Trashy Horror compilation, and my expectations were not high.

However, like everyone who has ever been a 12-year-old girl, I have a soft spot for the Bloody Mary legend, so I was prepared to be generous.   And my generosity was rewarded: Bloody Mary is a fun, goofy movie that may not have much in the way of real scares, and doesn’t actually make much sense, but nonetheless is hoisted up into so-bad-it’s-good territory by decent acting and sheer eye-gouging ebullience.

Granted, it doesn’t exactly start out on a high note.  A group of sorority girls psychiatric nurses are gathered around a tunnel shaft to bully one of their members into taking off her clothes (yes, there was gratuitous nudity in the first thirty seconds of the film) and going down through the tunnels into a room that looks like a midlevel puzzle in a Silent Hill knockoff.  The room contains a mirror, which Hapless Naked Chick must stand in front of and say “I believe in Bloody Mary” until gore ensues.  It turns out the head sorority girl (Danni Ravden, the poor woman’s Sara Michelle Gellar) is crazier than a shithouse rat and has appointed herself High Priestess of the Bloody Mary Cult, keeping Mary fed in the time-honored tradition of Renfield and Creepy Conductor Guy from Midnight Meat Train.

Too bad you don’t get the fire ax before this point.  There’s nothing like the fire ax for taking down zombie nurses.

Soon, Hapless Naked Chick’s sister (Kim Tyler, who is the poor woman’s somebody, I just can’t figure out who) comes to town to find her.  She attempts to enlist the aid of Asshole Cop Ex (Matthew Borlenghi), succeeds in enlisting the aid of Strangely Hot Psychiatrist (Jaason Simmons, the poor man’s Liev Schreiber), and wanders around the asylum until it becomes clear that the place could host a yearly conference for serial killers complete with vendor rooms and invited addresses and security is so lax that no one would ever know.

I suppose pointy dragon-lady nails aren’t quite such a fashion don’t if you need them to rip out eyeballs with.

Through various expository speeches, we learn that Bloody Mary was actually a patient at the hospital back in the 70s who was obsessed with her reflection.  Eventually she escaped into the tunnels and starved to death, only to return in vengeful-ghost form and hang out with the random creepy prisoner whose purpose is never actually made clear (Paul Hassett), when she’s not killing people and then meticulously cleaning up after herself so there’s not a drop of blood left. (Usually.  When she kills Guy Randomly Painting Naked [Jason Benson], she leaves behind a big bloody chunk of mirror that Asshole Cop Ex walks right by without even noticing.)

Her Reign of Terror and Eyeball-Gouging is brought to an end when the sister, hauled down into the tunnels by the Head Sorority Chick, smashes her mirror.  Which was already broken.  I don’t know, now it’s the special broken or something.  I would feel bad about giving away the ending, but honestly, it’s not like you didn’t see it coming.

So what’s the verdict? Two stars.  It’s an entertaining watch with better-than-expected performances.  Just don’t expect it to make much sense, or contain any surprises whatsoever, or be scary.  It’s a ridiculous movie about dead mental patients ripping out people’s eyes, and goddamn if it doesn’t fly that flag with pride.

 

Visit the American Gothica store on amazon.com

Advertisements
Comments
  1. Spooky Pie says:

    I was really happy to see your review of this. My best friend and I have been un-wholesomely into crappy horror movies of the “so bad it’s good variety” for years now. So I bought here all of those five dollar compilation Horror DVDs at Target.
    I was actually stupidly interested in the DVD this one was on, and specifically in “Bloody Mary”, what girl who was once 12 doesn’t have a masochistic love of the Bloody Mary legend?
    And I won’t lie, I was pretty intrigued by the knock off “silent hill” prospect as well.

    • Larissa says:

      Those compilation DVDs are like cheap crack. My love for them is really embarrassing considering the quality of the movies. They’re like the horror equivalent of a lousy ’80s dance CD. So-bad-it’s-good horror movies are kind of an art form unto themselves, though, so they’re a pretty damn good return on a five-dollar investment.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s